The Ins and Outs of Life
by ktattoo
Summary: Gil can't sleep so he starts a journal for he and his lovers.
1. Gil Starts it All

A/N: I got the idea for this after "Big Shots". SPOILERS for "Empty Eyes" and "Big Shots".

6 April 2007 5:30 pm

As I type this, I know you are upstairs sleeping - my two wonderful boys that I hold so dear. I couldn't sleep, even with Nicky's arms around me. Last night's case was difficult on all of us, but none more so then our youngest, you Greggo.

I know I seemed bitter and uncaring, and maybe more so the past couple weeks then ever in the past, but it was all my way of keeping our secret just that – a secret. Greg, you don't know how many times I wanted to hold you as the night progressed. I saw the hurt, the pain and the anger as it filled you, because you show all your emotions through your eyes.

Those beautiful brown eyes filled with tears more than once, but I am proud of you. You were the better person in the end, and as long as you know that, then nothing else should matter.

I still cannot believe I have the two of you, you know that, right? Every day I thank whatever higher being there may be for giving you to me. Or was it bringing me to you? No matter the circumstances, we are together. The three of us like the three legs of a tri pod. chuckles I never get sappy, or say things like that, but it is true.

Without one of us, the others would fall. I take it as my responsibility to make sure that does not happen. We have been a family for the last five years, and I could not stand to lose either of you now. We survived when you, Nicky, were buried alive, and I will tell you now since I could not bear to then, but as I watched you, I felt my heart breaking.

I love you both equally, but knowing that you were inches from death and were hanging on for Greg and my sakes gave me the last bit of hope.

Greg, it seems as if you have been getting the beating by the power(s) that be recently. To see you lying on the concrete, half dead, brought me to tears and I had to turn away. You saved a life, even if it did mean accidentally ending another. You are not guilty of anything other than doing what you thought was best in that moment.

I am proud of you for it. Last week was a blow to all of us. If I thought I hated politics before then, I hate them even worse now. I cannot believe the city settled like they did, and it was all about giving the people what they wanted to see, when it came down to it. A cop killed a man. They don't care why.

All of this leads up to the loving that I showed to both of you this morning at the end of the shift. I wanted you both to know you were loved, and so I loved you. Greg, your skin is still smooth as butter when touched, and Nick, your chest is still as sensitive as ever. It had been too long since I gave you both the attention you deserved, and now you sleep, undoubtedly curled in each others arms, not realizing I have let you rest.

I want you both to know that I would not be here if I did not have you in my life. It hurt to leave you for Massachusetts, but I came back to find you just as I left – happy and full of life.

I start this journal for the three of us to share. In it I hope you will tell everything, knowing that everything you say will be read by your loved ones. We keep no secrets from each other, and we should keep no secrets from ourselves. I love you, my boys.


	2. Greg has a dirty mind

A/N: Contains graphic sex scene. If you don't like slash, then you really shouldn't be reading this.

April 7, 2007 1:06 am

Do you know how quiet this house can get? It was insanely still as I roamed the house after you guys left. I had to put my Manson CD in and turn the stereo up just to get rid of the quiet. Gil, I really wish you hadn't given me the night off, and right now, I wish my phone would ring, calling me in. But I doubt that is going to happen.

I smiled just now. There is a steady beat in the music, and it reminds me of Nick's head hitting the head board as I fucked him. Remember that? I think that was about a week ago, and you, Gil, were at some conference or another at UNLV, and Nicky had just walked in from his trip to the gym. God, you guys know what that does to me, so Gil; you can only image how my body reacted.

I had to act on my instincts, and my instinct told me to drag Nick upstairs and tie him to bed – which I did. Dear God my pants are getting tight just thinking about it. Gil, I tortured him or an hour as I licked and nibbled on his hard nipples, slipping my tongue into his belly button.

I love watching the stubborn man squirm and beg for release, but I didn't let him. As I sucked on Nick's cock, my fingers played over his chest, making him moan and whimper even more. I was getting close to my own release, so I climbed over him, and kissed him hard.

Gil, you should have been there, but I took care of our Nicky for you. For the first time, I heard him squeal as I entered him, my mouth latched onto his neck. I knew neither of us was going to last long, and I didn't want it to be just sex, I wanted to fuck.

Nicky smiled at me as I slammed into him, fisting his cock with my hand. It seemed like an eternity that we were like that, but eternity ended. My balls grew tight, and I watched Nick's face as he came, his eyes scrunched up; his mouth wide open in a silent scream. He clenched around me and triggered my own climax, sending my body soaring into what could only be heaven.

I don't remember too much after that, 'cause I think we fell asleep.

Anyway, like I was saying, this house is too damn quiet. I think we should get a dog. Or maybe even a cat. No, a dog, so I can play with him out in the yard. This journal idea was great, Gil. I'm almost sorry that I wrote about the amazing sex Nick and I had, but not quite. After reading this, maybe you'll be as horny as I am right now.

At least I have my blue dildo upstairs.

This is Greg Sanders signing off – good evening and good night.


	3. Nick is a bit wary

A/N: This is Nick's first entry, and as he should be, he is a bit wary of the idea. I promise better stuff from our boys soon!

9 April 2007 9:00 am

I have no idea what to say. When Gil told me about starting this whole journal thing, I was and still am skeptical. After reading what Greg had to say, I'm not sure how to follow something like that.

Remind me to pound you later Greg. The looks Gil gave me after he read that were horrible, but at least I got the benefit of great sex afterward.

Uh, let's see. As you guys well know, I just got done working a triple shift; there was a double suicide at the Palms. Can you believe that the young couple killed themselves because their parents wouldn't let them be together? Like you said at the scene Gil, it was a Romeo and Juliet thing.

That case did get me wondering though. Could I kill myself if our relationship was not accepted? Could I make the choice to go with you guys if you decided to check out? I doubt either of you would do so, but it is still nagging at the back of my mind. It scares me still, the thought of killing myself.

Being in that box, there were only two things that kept me from pulling the trigger. I thought about the two of you and love I had for you. Then I kept telling myself that you would find me. And you did. I was so close to the edge, and you found me.

I agree with you though, Gil. We are like the three legs of a tripod. We hold each other up and complete each other. Greg, you are the silly one that keeps us old men on our toes, keeping us laughing and sane. Gil, you are the wise one of us, the voice of reason. Sometimes you can be a bit too reasonable, but that's who you are.

I am not sure what role I play, but I know I have one. I also know that I love being in the middle. After being the baby for so long, it is nice to have a comfortable place in the middle. I love having Gil spooning across my back with Greg in my arms. It makes me feel loved and needed. Its almost like Gil needs me to lean on, and Greg just needs me to hold him.

Who knows, I may just be wrong in all of this. What I do know is that I am tired as hell and still haven't slept after our Shakespearean suicides. I love you guys, and I am grateful and lucky to have you both.

I'm heading off to join you guys in bed. Night.


	4. What's eating Nick?

April 14, 2007

It's about time I got a night off work. Okay, so I'm not exactly off, but on call is close enough. It's just after 2:30 am and the two of you left three hours ago. Greg was right; it is quiet here when you're by yourself. I never thought I would miss the constant chattering and bantering of you, but I do. The silence is unsettling and it makes me itch to get up and do something.

I got a call from dad just after you left. He still wants me to go back home and leave everything here behind. He can't understand why I am with the two of you, no matter how many times I tell him that I love you both. He just won't accept that I am gay and that I am happy here. I'm his only son, and I have disappointed him.

There is no way I could leave either of you. The two of you are now all that I have left now that Cisco made it final. Yeah, he disowned me. I still can't believe it. Mom got on the line after he stopped talking and cried. I know she still loves me and the rest of my family does too, but I am no longer welcome in the house. No more family gatherings.

God, what am I going to do?

I wish you guys were here to hold me. I can't even call to let you know what happened, so I am just sitting here with my head bent over a leather bound journal. I am beginning to think this was a good idea. It feels better to just talk to a piece of paper that can't argue back, or can't nod and say "Go on." This is like therapy, therapy I know both of you will read, and that scares me a little.

There are still things that I am afraid to say or show to you, and since I can't do either, I figure why not write it all down. Then maybe we can all get a better understanding of who Nick really is. Heh. I just referred to myself in the third person. Man do I need a drink. Can't though. I'm on call. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it in the end. We all do at some point, but I think in our line of work, we think it more often than others. We are surrounded by death everyday, it has to come back to us some time, right? Sometimes when I am out there in the field, I look at our victim and ask, "why them? Why did they have to go like this?" Many of the vics are young, too young to have even lived life. Who has the right to take that life from them and think they can get away with it?

Most nights, the only thought that keeps me going is knowing that we will catch whoever did it and put them to justice. I think jail is too good for those murders. I think they should go just as their victim did and not give them the benefit of the doubt. But I don't have a say in that, do I? All I can do is my job and hope I did it right.

This Miniature Killer case has really gotten to me when I think about it. What kind of maniac makes models of crime scenes and then kills his victim? Talk about premeditated murder; I hope this guy gets fried for what he did. Life in prison would be too good for him.

I wish you guys were here. Maybe I will go in, just to help out. I don't feel like being here alone right now. Or ever.

Nick


	5. Greg Cries

WARNING: Talks about the Virginia Tech shootings and is a real tears jerker. SPOILERS for Lab Rats.

April 17, 2007

What kind of person thinks they have the right to take another's life? I know we deal with murder and murders on a daily basis, but I still cannot get over the fact that people think they have that right. It is all over the news, the tragic deaths of all those at that college. For the first time in years, I cried today for those who died. Gil, Nick, thank you for being there as the tears fell.

I see death all the time, innocent lives as young as infants, but for some reason this event hit me hard. We are nearly an entire continent away, clear across the country, and yet we can feel the loss of those lives. I don't pray, but I did yesterday, and I have all day today. I haven't slept a wink; instead I chose to watch CNN, staring at the images of the bodies as they were brought out.

If there really is a God, I hope he knows what he was doing when he let this happen.

On another note, I am glad to know that Hodges was able to find a new clue in the Miniature Killer case. I despise how he went around doing it, but I still give the guy kudos for finding it. I cannot believe I just gave props to Hodges. Don't let him know I said any of that. I think Ecklie should fire the bastard for destroying evidence and for intruding on a case, but there isn't anything I can do about it. Damn it!

Guys, I love you so much, I'm not sure if you really realize how much you mean to me. You guys are my family, my lovers, and my best friends. If I lost you two, there would not be a tomorrow for me, because I would do anything to be with you.

Man, I'm all sad and stuff tonight, but I can't help it. I just need to get to work so I can my mind off of everything that has happened over the past couple of days, but first I wouldn't mind curling back up in bed with you two on either side of me, keeping me safe.

I love you guys. 

Greg


	6. Gil has a good morning

A/N: I got bored yesterday and made a wallpaper for this little series of journal entries. If you would like to see the wallpaper, there are two versions that you can find at http://i9.   
and at  
http://i9. 22, 2007

We have been way too busy lately. I swear, if it weren't for Hodges breathing down my neck, telling me every couple hours that I need a day off, I would not be sitting here right now. I want to catch the guy that made the miniatures, and I can't do that sitting here at the house, now can I?

I can see Nicky's face right now; you would be shaking your head and telling me that I can't solve the case if I don't sleep either. I don't care to be honest. I get enough sleep in my office. A couple hours and I am fine. Greg, you would be shoving food in my face, mothering me to eat since you know I haven't eaten in days. I had a bagel this morning after the two of you went to the lab.

There is one good thing about having the day off, though. We haven't had time for the three of us since I locked myself in the lab last week, so it was nice to wake up with each of you on the side of me. I missed waking up with your hot breath on my chest and hair tickling my nose.

This morning, I was pleasantly surprised with what I got to wake up to. You two were going at each other like a couple of horny rabbits. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew Nicky had Greg pinned to the bed, his lips attached to a nipple. The sounds Greg made were almost like a purr, the tale-tell sign that someone has his nipple in their mouth.

I rolled over and opened my eyes, only to prove myself right, as usual. What I didn't expect was for you two to realize I was awake – I was content just watching as I jerked off. Not that I'm complaining, well, not too much since my shoulder still hurts after that little contortionist act. Anyway, Greg was the first to notice me watching and I barely had time to steel myself before his hot mouth engulfed my (morning?) erection.

I couldn't even bite my lip before it was pulled into another wet mouth that had to belong to Nick. You still faintly tasted like Greg, and I devoured your mouth, craving more of you. Nicky swallowed my gasp as a finger slid into my opening, another quickly following it, stretching me. A strong hand held my hips down as I tried to buck against Greg's fingers, urging them deeper, begging for more. It had been too long since you last filled me.

I didn't even realize my eyes had closed until I opened them to watch as Greg pushed into me with Nicky right behind him. Cupping the back of his head, I kissed Greg hard, the bitterness of my own pre-come on his tongue. It seemed like forever before I felt Greg slide further into me, completely sheathing his self as Nick pressed home behind our youngest.

I forced myself to watch your faces as we made love and the emotions that seemed to fill your eyes; the love, the lust and the complete trust in each other. Just watching as Nicky bit into Greg's shoulder sent me over the edge as wave after wave of pleasure escaped my body, making me shake.

Greg came next, screaming both mine and Nicky's names as he emptied himself into me, making me shudder all over again, welcoming his body into my arms when he collapsed, Nick following just seconds later. We all lay there for what just wasn't long enough. I missed having you in my arms, my boys and the loves of my life.

Now I am just sitting here on the couch, Mozart playing the background as I re-live this morning. If I try hard enough, I can almost feel Nicky leaning against me with Greg between his legs – the same way we sit when watching television together. The house seems so empty without you guys here.

Maybe getting a pet wouldn't be such a bad idea. We'll go check the shelters today after you two get off work and see if we can find a cat. No dogs, got it Greg?

I miss you my boys.

Gil


	7. Greg's Pet

A/N: You can see what the cats look like here: http://i9. http://i9. http://i9. 23, 2007

When Nicky and I got home after shift, we were surprised to find dinner waiting for us, with a very domestic Gil at the counter, an apron around his waist. That was a sight to see! After a nice long kiss, the three of us sat down to dinner. Gil decided that maybe we should get a cat and that we could go looking after the meal if we wanted to.

While at the shelter, I feel in love with a little gray and white kitten with huge yellow eyes. Gil wanted to get an older cat with long black fur that seemed to be a lot like our oldest lover. Nicky fell in love as well, picking up a very small tabby kitten that couldn't have been any more than six weeks old. It still had the blue film over its eyes.

In the end, we wound up with two more cats than originally planned, and the people who ran the shelter were glad that they had gotten good homes. I wanted to go to PetCo right away, and Nicky laughed as his kitten nibbled on his ear, earning her name quickly – Nibbles.

Right now Gil's cat Highwire (the old thing) is sleeping in Gil's chair, Nibbles is asleep in front of the TV, and my kitten that still hasn't been named is in my lap, purring. Gil and Nick are upstairs making a ton of noise. I didn't think that getting a pet could make someone want to have sex, but the two of them have been going at it since we got back two hours ago.

You would think that I would be jealous of them up there having sex without me, but it doesn't. I mean I _could_ be up there if I really wanted to be, but I rather like listening to them. Like right now, I bet Gil has himself buried balls-deep in Nick's ass as Nicky runs his nails across Gil's back. After being together for as long as the three of us have, you get to know your lovers as well, if not better than you know yourself.

Nick and I have been given the night off and I don't know what we are going to do. Okay, so I know what I would _like_ to do, and will probably wind up doing, but what to do after (or before) that? My kitten is now sitting on my shoulder, reading what I am writing. She's absolutely adorable, and I love her purr. I didn't think that I would like having a cat this much, and even though she's only been here for a few hours, I love the little ball of fluff.

I think I want to name her Kaia. Yeah, Kaia it is. She seems to like it, and I like it as well. I vaguely remember hearing it somewhere and liked it then, and it seems to suit her well. The sounds from upstairs have stopped, and I think I hear the shower running. I stink, so I should probably take one as well. Hell, I'll join the guys and save some water - Heh! Yeah right.

I'm off to get me some.

Greg


	8. Nick and Greg

April 23, 2007

So, Gil is off to work, and Greggo and I are sitting here on the couch watching Spiderman 2 – again. Nibbles and Kaia are lying at the end of the couch, sleeping. Why Greg named his cat that, I will never understand. _Oh, shut it, Nicky. It's better than 'Nibbles'. Besides, Kaia full-fills her name to the fullest. She is a very peaceful cat – unlike Nibbles who likes to chew on my shoes. And Highwire is worse – he's cranky and mean._

Damn it, Greg! I had to smack him around the head for that one. This is supposed to be my entry for the day, and he has to go and steal the spot light. _Did not!_ Gil, maybe you should have drug him in to work with you. _You love me and you know it. You like my tight ass, admit it._ Fine. I do happen to like your ass, Greg, but I don't like it when you interrupt me. Do too. I'm serious Gil.

I still hurt after what we did up in the room earlier. It's after midnight and it has been two hours since we got done, but I'm still sore. Remind me to never taunt you again, got it? _I can make you feel better, Nicky. I didn't even get to watch what you two were doing up there, but from the sounds of it, you had fun._ Yeah, I had fun, but my head still hurts from the headboard. We should get the thing padded.

_We should. I have had a couple of bruises from the thing as well. If we're not careful, someone will notice that we all have the same goose eggs on our head and figure us out._ I don't think it is going to take goose eggs to get us found out. Warrick and Catherine are starting to come on to us. I think they are figuring it out. _At least it isn't Sara – that would be catastrophic._ I didn't even know you could spell 'catastrophic', Greg. But you're right.

I don't think 'Rick and Cath would mind since they are together, but if Sara found out, Ecklie would have us fired in a heartbeat. We all know how much she wants Gil, I wish she would get over it. _We all do. It just makes me sick sometimes watching her follow Gil around like a lost puppy._ Yeah, it's really pathetic. Damn cat! _Haha! Highwire just attacked Nicky. He wanted to be fed, so he jumped on his head._ The fucking cat was sitting on the back of the couch and meowed at me, then decided to claw at my head.

_Like I said, Kaia is the peaceful one. We haven't had any problems with her yet._ Yeah, and that scares me. Greg is a troublemaker and likes to make noise and do stupid stuff, but his cat is calm as can be. What is up with that? _Well, think about it – Nibbles is the troublemaker, and you are usually the quiet one, Nicky. I guess we just found our familiars, and they just happen to have opposite personalities than ours._ Alright, fine, I can see that, but what about Gil and Highwire? Gil isn't as demanding as the cat is, and defiantly not as moody. _Well, there you go. The cat is the exact opposite of Gil._

Whatever. I'm tired of talking about the cats. I just want to lay here and spend some time with Greg. _I wanna do more than spend time with you._ Oh really? _Yeah. I wanna tie you to the bed and fuck you 'till you're raw and screaming._ I already am raw. How about I do that to you though? Then I can drop hot wax onto your hard nipples and watch as you squirm. _Uh ,um, ok… I'm game for that._ Sorry Gil. Maybe next time you can join us.

Love you, babe.  
_I love you more._  
Oh, shut up, Greg.  
_Fine. Love you, Gilly._


	9. In the End

A/N: This is the last chapter in this series of journal entries. The boys will soon reach a new place in life and in their relationship, so I wated to make that one a totally new series. I hope you enjoyed this!  
P.S. Sorry it took so long to write and update. Real life got in the way.

May 15, 2007

We have a problem on our hands. Yes, I know we have all been too busy to write in this thing, and I know that it shouldn't be at work, but there really was no choice. I can't exactly tell you face to face or over the phone, so you will have to read it.

Boys, we have been found out. It's not as bad as what it could have been, but now we are going to have to tread on water. It was Catherine who figured it all out, and I am proud of her for how she figured it out. But boys, be careful. Don't do anything that could give away to anyone else, especially not Sara or Ecklie. Cath has agreed not to say anything to anyone, and I want Nicky to tell Warrick, just in case Catherine slips and tells him herself. 

It really was brilliant how she found us out. I thought she had followed us, but nope. She watched us. She would watch how we interacted with each other, and she would see us coming in to work together. There was no way she would believe that we car-pooled because Nicky's apartment is clear cross town from my townhouse.

On a better note, we are getting closer to catching the Miniature Killer. I have been making my own miniatures, and it is interesting. Not only does it give me something productive to do with my hands, but I can get into the mind of the killer a bit. This person has to be meticulous and very patient. It's hard to get everything perfect and can get aggravating.

I really think we are on to something there. What really aggravated me was seeing Lady Heather last week. She is a great friend, but to see her like that nearly made me lose it. I don't understand how someone could hire another to kill them, and to think that Heather would do something like that just confused me. I know she was hurt when Zoë died, but to kill herself just seemed a bit drastic. At least I was able to get her grand-daughter to her, so maybe she will have a chance at being in the little girls' life.

There is also something else I was thinking about. It might seem a bit un-Grissomish, but I have always wanted a child of my own. I know you two love kids, and I think that maybe, just maybe we should think about adopting. We'll have to think long and hard on that one. If we do adopt, it would mean a new chapter in our lives; a chapter I think we are all ready for.

Goodbye my boys.


End file.
